I recently was told that I was a "try hard" - a comment about me being overly keen to do my best. It got me thinking, because I haven't always had a default of doing my best. Believe it or not, I had a reputation for being lazy as a kid. It would infuriate my parents and teachers. I can distinctly remember my Latin teacher, Mr Roy, being frustrated that I hadn't done my homework for a number of weeks. I have spent time looking back and considering what I felt like, what was going through my mind and why I never felt the urgency or responsibility to do it. I still don't really know. There was something missing in my brain - a thought that just didn't appear. I had no will, no consideration... no pride to do well. There is a lot wrapped up in this - being asked to leave a state primary school at age 8, without having first being taught strategies and accommodations, must have had some sort of negative impact on me and my sense of worth and value within an educational system.
Looking back on my teenage years, I feel like this pattern continued for quite some time - never really appreciating my education, never really engaging with the school work in the way that I should have done. I was incredibly fortunate to be part of an institute that provides among the very best of educations in the world and yet, I took it for granted and really didn't engage in the program in the way that I should have done.
Something changed in my 20s, I found a sense of purpose and learned gratitude in a way that seemed to impact nearly every area of my life. I developed a drive to do well, work hard and to take pride in my life. There wasn't a moment that changed everything overnight, but over time it has become a habit of my life to live it to the full and do the most I can - whether that means the best of what I have been given, or to look for opportunities to fill my life with things that make me and others happy.
A few years ago, I heard a story of someone who had been in a car accident and had been close to loosing their life. They said that they realised that they had been given a second chance and they vowed to live their life differently from that point onward. I remember thinking that I didn't want to have a life-threatening situation before I realised I had to give life my best shot.
There's a lot to say for living with a grateful attitude. I'm not sure when this started for me or whether it was a gradual habit, but these days it's a conscious way of life. Many friends and colleagues have said that I have a positive disposition, but honestly, it is a positive decision. It is very easy to be negative and pessimistic - I remember reading somewhere that it is actually a survival instinct to be pessimistic and so it makes sense that being optimistic can be challenging. Somehow I've made it a habit and I'm sure there'll be a long blog in the not-too-distant future that can address this more specifically. This habit explains why I am so keen to make the most of every opportunity I have, and why I always want to do my very best - which includes full commitment.
It can be pretty tiring though. One of the things I am trying to work out is the sustainability of this "committed" lifestyle. As a result of seeing opportunities and occasions with such a positive light, I struggle to say "no", and follow through each of these decisions with the same gusto and commitment.
The past 18 months have had moments of intense work, family and life commitments - it has been incredibly challenging to remain positive and upbeat about it, but I am pleased to say I have managed it. However it has come with moments of feeling close to burnout. I have been fortunate thus far, but for the first time in many years, I find myself looking at the next season a little apprehensive about whether I can keep this up. Commitments require time and energy and there are some big commitments coming up... Already, my wife and I pastor a small (but growing) church, I have a full time job which takes a lot of heart and energy, my wife and I (more her) create content - three or four videos a week, we have our two children which requires a heart and energy that is incomparable to anything we have ever experienced before! And then in a matter of 4 weeks, I will be beginning a Masters in Counselling - a dream come true for me.
While this all seems a lot (and it is!) I have previously relied on my superpower - ADHD - to be able to take on this work load and give enough attention to it all. But I'm daunted at this point. I know my commitment is going to be there - heart and soul, ready to give it all... but will have the energy and time capacity to do it all? The answer is I think so. I definitely hope so. I know some of you may read this and wonder "have you not through this through, Jonty?!" and trust me, I have - I have thought about it long and hard. When I write it down like this it seems like a lot, and I'm not sure where I can fit in the time to make it all work, BUT, I have noticed that it isn't a science. I can't mathematically quantify all the things I need to do and fit it all together in one speadsheet. My ADHD somehow allows me to multi-task, to keep some things in my brain and process in the background while I work on something else.
All I know is that the excitement outweighs the apprehension and this new season is going to be challenging and so fulfilling. Here's to seeing life with a positive lens, remaining committed and being grateful!
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